I haven’t done one of these in a while. A few things before I start with the bulk of the matter…
The Sufjan Stevens Journey blog has become my fiction writing space. Basically all non-personal ramblings/short stories/whatevers will be posted there every now and then. I’m in the process of writing a novel (and I used the term “novel” very loosely), so check that out. I will probably Facebook flood you guys whenever that site is updated.
And one of the greatest discoveries I’ve found out recently is this: Given enough alcohol in the system, The Black Eyed Pea’s I Gotta Feeling becomes the greatest song of our generation. Yup this song. But in all seriousness, that jam is top ten feel good hits of the year even though I don’t want to admit it.
Anyway…
I woke up one morning after the typical weekend of adult debauchery and fun. When those specific nights occur, my typical resting spot turns into a couch within the living room of a friend’s house. I remember falling asleep to Air Force One (from 1:44 to 2:01 is arguably the best seventeen seconds of cinematic history). However I do not remember having the television blaring loudly, thus my alarm clock was that female detective in CSI getting all righteous and whatnot. As I was trying to return back to the sweet state of slumber, I couldn’t help but audibly follow along with the television. Some young adults in some young love that leads to a murder. Aww, typical tragic love story…
Still within my life, I am on my journey of finding inner-peace. Now, I’ve come a long way from when and where I started and I’ve made a ton of progress. I’ve found many sanctuaries and filled my life with wonderful passion. Things are quite peachy (metaphorically speaking of course since I’m allergic to peaches) and very keen. But what has happened is the path that I chose caused me to repress and become quite forgetful about a certain part of my personality and character that was once so prominent in my life and the fuel to my creative flow (which is also one of the reasons why I don’t write in this online journal or compose music a lot anymore). But what I’m leading towards is that the morning when I was returning to my slumber while listening to the CSI crew trying to solve that murder of distressed lovers, I was reminded of something that is the most beautiful thing in this world…
… And the answer is of course, Love. And I’m not talking about the love between your friends, or your family, or when a puppy dog is being adorable, I’m talking about the love when someone decides to rip out that bloody beating organ that lies within the chest and then proceeds to hand it to another individual with the words “Here, I want you to have this.” Yeah, I’m sure there’s a more romantic and appealing analogy I could have used for that, but you understand what I’m talking about.
Although I don’t really execute that action with people that much and currently all attempts to “be in” “it” are purposely flushed down la toilette, I still believe in this thing we call “Love.”
Over the past few years I’ve tried to make sense of all this “Love” business and I tried to look at it in all angles. I’ve been in love and I’ve been the betrayer. I’ve been used and I have used others. I’ve cared less of some people and cherished others. I’ve had a golden heart and one made of stone. And although all the specific examples in my mind aren’t even close to the extremes of these analogies, I’ve tried to put myself in as many positions as possible on the spectrum and this is what I’ve realized after all the mental notes I’ve taken about intimate social interaction between two people…
… Nothing.
Actually, no. I guess I should have changed the words “what I’ve realized” to “what I understand” because what I’ve realized is that, even though this is one of the most clichè things ever, Love is unexplainable. It’s a very confusing sensation because it just hits you while you’re laying on your couch with a fleece blanket, drinking a Fresca, and watching some Golden Girls marathon. Somehow, your surroundings, activities, and memories work together to create some epiphany in your head that releases a sigh of relief and complete comfort when you think of a certain individual. It doesn’t really make sense but nevertheless, it feels wonderful.
Influenced by all the literature, music, and cinema I’ve experienced through life, I would say that I strive for the romantic aspect of life (but I have my limits…). However just to clarify, this doesn’t necessarily specifically pertain to having a “romantic heart”, but simply living out life emotionally and passionately. For some reason, I have this mindset that when you’re “falling” for someone who you’re hoping will be the one you will spend the rest of your life with, that person can’t be someone who requires so much effort to make it work, at most it should be a smooth ride with a few bumps in the road. Now, this mindset will most likely be replaced with a new mindset sometime in the near future, but when you ideally fall in love with someone, it’s a strange mirror effect.
On one side, it is a very selfless thing to do because you’re giving someone your heart and life in the metaphorical sense. That whole, “I’m yours” thing. And it’s a weird investment because you somehow feel happier when they’re holding your beating heart. On the other side, it’s a very selfish thing because in a sense you are using them for your benefit. But the bigger thing is that the individual is giving you their life as well, so you’re also holding someone’s beating heart in your hands. So what a relationship is, it’s a barter. And in the most logical, common sense aspect, when you make an exchange in a barter, you don’t want to be ripped off and you really don’t want to work hard for what you have obtained to reach it’s fullest potential. Especially when the other person in your exchange is going to get something that is instantly great.
But like I said before, that mindset is probably going to change because I’m witnessing a lot of things that refute it. I’m at that age where people are in legitimately serious relationships and furthermore, I’m at that age when my friends are starting to get married (First off, crazy. Secondly, awesome). I think the word that really encompasses everything is, “Compromise.” Without compromise, we’d never get anything accomplished in life. The world would just be filled with selfish people constantly saying “Me! Me! ME!!!” And that’s the one thing I haven’t been able to really realize is that this ideal view of love between two people is so far from reality. It isn’t initially going to be perfect and it really isn’t going to be a smooth path. I don’t really want to face the truth but there are going to be bumps in the road and car crashes every now and then and whenever those situations occur, my mind seems to flip the “irrational”-switch on. All of this reminds me of a quote I used in a previous post that goes…
Being in love isn’t finding that perfect someone, it’s seeing your lover’s imperfections as perfections.
If that doesn’t scream compromise and acceptance, then I may be a lot more lost in this topic that previously thought. But I suppose it’s just difficult to try and understand this concept when it’s a difficult concept to begin with and also when I’m not presently experiencing it, it makes it tough too. Memories are a rough thing to rely upon and assumptions are simply a no-no. Once I’ve found this inner-peace, perhaps I’ll be willing to be jump in the pool again, but even as an observer on the sidelines, there are times I’m going to see something unique…
That warm candid smile. That honest laughter. That comfortable sigh of something that means more than being content. That specific look of the eyes that speaks a thousand words…
And then I’ll metaphorically point and shake my finger at that sight and go “Ah ha!!! I know what THAT is!” And I’ll have a slight grin and stay in silence because there won’t be any words to explain it…
Ahh, loooooove. What a beautiful thing…
-Peace, (Unexplainable Concept), Unity and Respect
Latana
